one month

It's been a month.
I miss him so much.
I can't decide whether each day is easier or harder.

I made the mistake of trying to download the picture video from the funeral to my computer. I had to watch it - through streaming tears. These are a few of the pictures, and they hold so many dear to my heart memories - and I miss him all the more.

Our trip to the pumpkin patch. It was a beautiful day that we went with Kate's preschool. He wasn't feeling well but came anyway. We went out for the hay ride to pick the pumpkins, both watching Kate and seeing how much fun she was having. Before he left he gave me a hug, thanking me for letting him come with us - we both knew he wouldn't be here the next year. We were both holding back the tears. It broke my heart to see him walk away knowing how much he wanted to stay here and be with us. He loved his life here.

With Paige in his hospital bed. She was such a good little snuggler and heater. One of my dad's favorite things was to hold her and let her sleep on his chest and keep him warm. I'm so glad that he did get to hold her.

His sons. He really did consider them his boys. This was the Disneyland trip we took almost two years ago, right after he was diagnosed, and right before he began his first round of chemo and radiation. He had wanted so badly to see Kate on her first trip to Disneyland. She was a little young, but we went anyway because we had no idea if he would be well again or not. It was a bittersweet trip - full of fun and sadness.

He was always relaxing on the ground - the sand at the dunes, his lawn or driveway at his house.

His Rex at St. Anthony. We grew up going to the dunes, then stopped for a long time, then started up again a few years ago. We loved St. Anthony and always had so much fun going there together. It's some of the best memories I have - just spending so much time together as a family.

A typical where-ever-we-were picture, always fixing something. It just always added to the adventure of our vacations.

He loved Kate - and would have loved all of his grandkids. He just thought they were the best. This was Kate's first trip to the ocean. He ran along the beach with her, holding her hand. Some of my favorite pictures.

Our trip to Moab earlier this year. We didn't know if he would feel well enough to make it. He even delayed his second round of chemo and radiation a week so we could go. Our Super Saturday trail was fun. The leaders made a great day out of it - throwing a luau at lunch and having pinatas for the kids. I'm so glad he was able to drive his 6 with our newly finished 8's. He was so proud of the boys that they had finished them.

He spent at least a half hour with Kate driving him around camp at St. Anthony over the 4th of July - even though he was pretty sick then. He probably rode out on the dunes once, maybe twice for a few minutes the whole trip, but he let Kate drive him around camp. She always had so much fun with him, and could get him to do just about anything. She still called him 'Pagga' at that time.

His 6. He loved that Jeep and you could tell he was pretty proud of it.

His Rex came back from a ride one time with moss stuck in the undercarriage. The boys never lived it down. I was shocked when he drove Rex through the lake like this, he grinned the whole time.

You can see in his face he just loved being a grandpa. He was always so patient, and anyone knowing my dad knew that wasn't his strongest quality. Looking at these pictures reminds me how thankful I am of how much he loved my kids, and how they have felt his love for them.

I miss him. I know I'll see him again - but for now I miss him. What I wouldn't give to hug him again, or tell him what Kate and Paige were up to, or let him drive me nuts with his over-caring. I am so glad he's over his sickness, and I wouldn't want him back in his sickness, but I miss the days before cancer. I miss his smile, his love, his caring, his jokes.